my midnight urge

So I was talking with Eli on the phone around 12:30am today and my mind was racing. we were
having a deep conversation about how hard things are, being so far away from each other, and
how we seem to be arguing over the most stupid things. we had actually gotten all the negative,
sensitive parts of the conversation done with and had moved on to the happy parts when i kept
having these thoughts rush through my mind. i told eli to hold on and i grabbed a pen and
paper to write down everything that came to my mind. (it was mainly the finaly chunk of this
story thingy). we finished our convo, said goodnight and hung up. As i laid in bed, more
thoughts came to me so i had to turn on the light and go back to my pen and paper; and thats
where the rest of the story comes from. it was all really random, but i am actually suprised on
how good i was able to express how i was feeling at that exact moment in time. here is the story
that i wrote
WARNING: for those of you who are sensitive to the relationship that eli and i have, you can
turn back now because this story is about him/us. thank you.


Baby, before i had you i was nothing more than a weak soul, lost in the asylum we all call life.
And you, you told me that life before me had no meaning. that there was truely no reason to
carry on other than to unwillingly continue the tedious path towards death. We were both
broken, lost without each other. Then one glorious day we fell in love. The cracks in my soul
were mended by the pieces of yours--we were strong--your life had meaning and my soul was
found.

Time passed by and the world decided that we shouldn't be together; but that didn't matter, not
to us. It seemed as though the devil himself could try to pry us apart, but could not prevail.
Although, the few bumps and bruises that we did obtain from the outside were significant, they
were easy to mend with a little love and understanding. We were indestructible.

Our lives then changed when I had to move away to try and improve the future of our lives
together. We knew things wouldn't be the same. With distance as our enemy, the spaces that
were once so tightly constructed, were now filled with miles of uncertainty and fear, causing our
hold to slowly deteriorate. It's like we couldn't hold on. All at once we were at the beginning
again: broken worse than we were before. But things can get better--they have to.

I want to pick up the pieces of our scattered lives and recreate what we once had. With
desperation to move forward, i have picked up my jagged parts, but you seem to be lagging.
Will you trust me enough to help you gather yours? cause, baby, I can't put my life together
without you. My pieces are too broken and no longer fit comfortably without your pieces there
for support. It's only with you and your shattered pieces that we can both become one again. so
i ask, will you let me in? I need you. Please don't give up. We can become whole, but we need to
work together. you are my life, you are my everything, so lets become strong, for we are forever
one.


well thats it! i hope you all enjoyed it. feel free to comment on anything. i love you all :D

time to lose some weight!

okay everybody, here is my plan. i had to take a physical in order to play bball and one of the
things that they did was weigh me. i thought i weighed about 160 pounds, but when i stepped on
the extremely accurate scale in the weight room, it said that i was 172!!! i was so surprised and
angry--not to mention completely embarassed for being a fatty bball player around all the other
athletes ;) anyways, so i have decided, with help from eli and coach tom, that i am going on a
diet/exercise rampage. here is my plan:

every morning of the school week, i wake up at 7:30 and go running with tom on the bear trail.
the bear trail, for those of you who don't know, is a mile and 1/2 of hills through the beautiful
forest of Weed. it is crazy hard for me because i haven't ran a mile, without stopping, in over a
year and here he expects me to run a full mile and 1/2 WITH hills. plus, there is a KILLER hill
around the mile mark that would weaken even the strongest person, so i have a hard time
continuing after that part. i think it also adds pressure on me when tom runs behind me pushing
me forward and i hear him panting and weezing behind me lol BUT i just wanted to let you
know, that with all of my hard work and perserverence, i have been able to conquer the hill, and
the whole course, without stopping! and not only once, but twice now! yay me! yes, i almost died,
but i did overcome that beast of a course. tom was so proud of me :D

now eli's job is to make sure that i keep eating right. all i have to do, for right now, is make sure i
cut out the crap and decrease my portions. so no more pasta 4 days a week :(, now i can only
have it once. no more soda or energy drinks. no more skipping breakfast, and no more junk
food :S but i do get to eat lots of chicken for protein, salads and apples for keeping healthy,
powdered slim fast for breakfast and sometimes a nice pb&j--if i have been good :D eli also has
the job of picking me up when i feel discouraged, which is a lot. whenever i feel like i did bad at
practice or that i'm not losing weight fast enough, he is the one to tell me to suck it up and get rid
of those discouraging feelings with a run lol its not an easy job, but someone has to do it :P

i have been doing this diet/workout for almost 2 weeks now and i can tell you that i already feel
a difference. i am running a little more smoother, i can breathe a little easier, my jeans seemed
to have stretched out-even though i just washed them ;P, and i gained an extra belt loop! yay
me! i can't really SEE a difference with my stomach, boobs or butt (or even the stretch marks
i've been blessed with), but im sure that those are going to be slimming down pretty soon. i just
need to keep on track.

my goal is to be at 145 by christmas time. so that's 4 months to lose 25 pounds. i know that may
be a huge goal, but the bigger the challenge, the bigger the will to get it done :D plus i know that
with losing weight i will also be gaining muscle mass again, and that that will weigh more than fat,
so i will have a period where i gain weight rather than lose some, or only lose 3 pounds instead of
the normal 8 (or whatever) but i am ready to make some dirastic changes here :) i have dates
set on my calendar for when "weigh day" is. the first one is about a month from now on
september 25th and i'm hoping to lose 10 pounds in the first month. i think that that's a good
estimate because of the water weight and stuff. the first 5 pounds, i've heard, are the easiest to
lose. when that day comes around i will make sure to post another blog and let you all know how
my system is working. wish me luck!

my dream

I had the WIERDEST dream! But before i start my story i would just like to add the fact that i
had this dream after my alarm clock had gone off, and i had accidentally fallen back to sleep, so
this is one of those morning nap dreams. Plus i didn't want to wait until i got home from school
to write this blogs because i might have forgotten a lot of the dream, so i am frantically writing
this down in my notebook in english class...and then later typing it out :D I just thought you
would like to know that.

So it starts out with all us girls in the family, including mom, at a random mall. Laura and i were
in the same store looking at some clothes when mom comes in bawling and says that some punk
kid had just walked up to her and told her that she was so old and ugly that she shouldn't be
allowed to show her face in public (sorry mom, thats just how it happened. it is completely NOT
true btw) I ran up to her and demanded to know who the guy was or what he looked like when
she told me that it was a girl who had said it (wow, shows how stereotypical i am lol), and that
she didn't know who it was. I was furious and went looking for the girl. As i was stomping
around looking for her i saw some of the girls from my old bball team--Cayla and Kourtney
Younge. I soon forget that im looking for someone and we just talk about how our lives have
been. Then two girls walked up and started in on our conversation, just talkin and chattin away.
Cayla and Kourtney said that they had to go, so they left and the two random girls and i kept
talking about everyday things. All of a sudden i hear mom yell, "kids! its time to gather up
and go home!" (apparently it was back in the olden days before cell phones were invented lol)
When i look over at one of the girls i watch as she rolls her eyes and mouths "oh my gosh she is
such an annoying *beep beep* (censoring was added for your protection ha ha) I briskly stood
up (cause i guess i had been sitting down) and asked the girl, "are you the one who told my mom
that she was old and ugly and shouldn't be allowed to be seen in public?!?" Suddenly a huge
smirk shows up on her face and she chuckles. I get raging mad and i punch her in the mouth. not
once, not twice but multiple times. i would have to say that it was totally Christmas Story style
with me on top and just punching the schnee outta her face. (it felt soooo good lol). However,
while i was beating the girl sensless, her friend had dialed 911 and had them listen in one me
going buck-wild on the random girl. Paige shows up and pulls me off of her and we run outta the
mall. The girl who i had beat up told me, as i was running out, that i was gonna get sued for what
i did. (idk if i can get sued for something like that, but thats how it happened in the dream) I
admit, i was scared--i didn't want to get sued.

Then it skips to a random house that we were staying at. we were in hiding because i was in
trouble for the law and didn't want to get caught. Laura then gives me a letter that she had
written (idk why she didn't just tell me) saying how it was worth being in hiding because of how i
stood up for mom and how she wishes that she had stayed by my side so that she could have
added in a punch or two of her own. ha ha ha

then all of a sudden it skips again and i was sitting next to george lopez (idk if any of you know
who that is, but he's a mexican comedian who has his own t.v. show. i watch it all the time. he is
flippin hilarious!) anywho george had just gotten a letter. apparently someone had died and he
was reading the will to see how they wanted their funeral done. he told me that the person had
wanted me to say the dedicatory prayer for the funeral service. i was shocked, but i accepted. . .
but then i woke up. ha ha

so that was a really random dream. I know that laura's blog about all us girls had something to
do with the fight, and then later, her letter, but i have no idea how any of the other stuff came to
be. Anywho, that's it :D i hope you all enjoyed it, but now i have to get back to reality and try to
catch up on what we are even doing in english class lol

College of the Siskiyous

okay everybody! here is my first official blog! yay *clap *clap *clap

On Thursday August 13th, Eli and i packed everything i owned into his 2000 Ford Explorer and
mom & dad's '93 acura integra-the one they bought off of stacy when i turned 17. Because of how
much i need a car, and the fact that there is soon to be no kids living at home anymore, mom
and dad were gracious enough to let me "borrow" the car for school this year. i am very grateful
for their help. you have no idea how much i need that car to get around.

so anyways, eli and i pack up and leave for school, and this is when i meet my roommates for the
first time, although i had chatted with them via text messaging for a few weeks prior. there is
Dacia, Netta and Cassie, and the three of them have been best friends ever since 3rd grade.
They are from a town near Portland, Oregon and are avid volleyball players. Dacia decided to
play softball as well, and Netta decided to play basketball with me :) Although they have all been
best friends for so long, they have been pretty generous on trying to make me feel accepted and
like part of the gang- which is nice. they are a little wierd, and loud, but they're pretty cool
people.

that first night eli and i just hung out with the girls and got to know each other. the girls love
him :) yay! they always ask about him now and tell me to tell him that they say hi ha ha. during
the second day i had a lot of errands to run for school (like seeing Tom, my bball coach, and
meeting up with counselors) but he came with me and gave me the courage, aka forced me, to
get stuff done instead of shying away from everyone/thing. that night we tried to relax and hang
out with the girls again, but eli and i both knew what was going to happen the next morning. . .
he was leaving :(

i know everyone (either to my face or in their minds) thinks that i am just a sissy and that i
should "grow up and forget about him while im up here, and just have the time of my life", but
for all of you people. . . no matter whether you like it or not, he IS my life and it's EXTREMELY
hard to live without him. i can't help it.

ANYWAYS. . . with that off my chest, the first day of school (monday august 17th) was very
long. Every single class did nothing but review the syllabus for the semester. fun fun fun. I went
to English at 9am-9:50am, then U.S. History from 10am-10:50am, then i went home for a
snack, and then went to the spanish 1 class, that i was trying to be added into, for about 3
minutes lol. there was about 7 students who were trying to be added into the class, so the
teacher told everyone who was trying to be added into the class to leave and not come back until
wednesday to see if people had dropped. THAT made me nervous because i really wanted to get
into that class. then at 2pm-4pm i had my first basketball practice. that was the worst 2 hours of
my life. idk if any of you know this, but over the summer i gained about 30 pounds, so not only
are my butt and boobs bigger (yay) but i'm also carrying some extra pounds around the tummy
(boo). because of this i was unable to keep up with the girls. plus the fact that i am now living in a
higher elevation, so i was weezing and gasping for air the entire practice. to add more things to it,
i wasn't able to attend the week-long bball session that Tom had put on over the summer
because of my demanding job, so i didn't know the girls or a lot of the drills that they were
running. . . so to say that a lot of them were getting frustrated at me would be an
understatement :(

then tuesday came along and i had different classes, which means 2 days of nothing but a
syllabus overview. wonderful. i had Bio 5 first, from 9:30am to 11am. i was in there for a total of
5 minutes until i realized that the stupid counselor that i had talked to over the phone all
summer to get me the right classes, put me in the wrong biology class. the class i wass in was
strictly for non-bio majors and wouldn't give me transferrable units to count towards my major.
so i had to go meet with a new counselor to try and change my bio 5 class into a different bio
class. fortunately there was a Bio 1 class, but it was "full" so i had to get papers for the teacher to
sign to try to be added into her class anyways. i met with her and she told me to come back on
wednesday to see if she had any available spots left. i then had spanish AND bio that i wasn't
100% sure i would get into, but had to wait until the next day for results. lets just say that that
stressed me out a lot because i knew i was already missing lectures, assignments and class time,
so i knew if i kept waiting (or if i didnt get into those classes and had to find completely different
ones) that i would already be way behind. basketball practice went better that day. i wasn't
breathing too hard and i actually knew the drills now so people weren't getting as frustrated with
me. it was pretty good.

wednesday came and i prayed and prayed that i would get into those two classes. . . and i DID!!!
yay me. the only thing that i would need to do is have an "overlapping sheet" filled out because it
turns out that my lab for bio overlaps with my bball practices on wednesdays. i already talked to
coach tom about it earlier so he knew i was going to miss practice, and he was perfectly okay
with it-he signed the sheet. i went to my bio teacher so that she could sign, explaining that i
wouldn't be missing ANY of her class, but missing bball instead, and she refused saying that
someone had told her not to sign those papers for some odd reason. so she told me to come back
on friday (tomorrow) and see if her mind had changed. whatever. just more crap that i have to
deal with. after i dealt with her i went straight to the athletic office because they were doing
physicals for all the athletes that day. i am in great health. . . but found out that i weigh 172
pounds. OUCH!! some of you (cough, laura) might be thinking "oh boo-hoo you're 172" but to
someone who would always see 135 on the scale, 172 is a BIG difference. i honestly didnt think
that i had gotten that heavy. . . so that ruined the rest of my day. i was furious at myself.

to make things even better, coach sat me down and suggested that i come to the gym in the
mornings before school and participate in shooting practice. he's totally reconstructing my shot
and its making my form and percentage of made shots go down. . . for now. i just need to get
used to it.

so because i am currently overweight and "in need to shed some pounds" as tom put it, eli and i
have constructed a more careful and healthy diet and i have asked tom to push me to run after
our shooting drills in the morning. sadly, he accepted the request and is having me run a 2 mile
trail tomorrow morning at 7:30 am. more fun fun fun :( i am not gonna be liking the next few
weeks.

anyways, thats pretty much what's been going on. english class is gonna be easy, but boring. u.s.
history is gonna be interesting, but hard. spanish will be cool and challenging. bio is going to be
cool, interesting, boring and confusing, but hopefully i do well, and basketball is going to kill me,
but oddly i think i'll live lol

sorry

thank you so much for looking at my blog. i know i promised a few of you that i would have a
post up by tonight, i am STARVING and i still need to take a shower, so if i did write a full
blog right now then i would end up going to bed really late and i have an 8am bball shooting
practice tomorrow :(

im sorry. i PROMISE to have a full blog completed by this weekend. it will answer all of your
many questions.

thank you for your patience and understanding. i love you :)